Characters from "Pizza"

Here are pictures of the characters from the script below, entitled "Pizza". From top to bottom: Steve, Anchovy Assassin, The Oven, Cactus Jack, & The Manager.

pizza

http://www.mediafire.com/?7bbbb4d1b4l10zx

episode 5 rough draft. still some things to work out.
copyright 2011

Episode 5: "Pizza" or: A Slice of Heaven

(The episode, which is shown entirely in a widescreen, filmic format to make it more theatrical, opens with a shot of a grim looking cathedral sometime in the late evening. A man emerges from the night, and is shown walking through the parking lot and into the church. He appears slightly shifty, though not particularly abnormal. Once inside, the man passes rows of seats, and steps into a confessional. Upon entering, he takes a seat.)

Man: "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

Clergyman: "What is it, my son?"

Man: "I... I must confess that I've been spending over twenty dollars every time I order a large pizza for me and my family."

Clergyman: "My son, that is a most wretched and heinous sin... You know what you must do."

(The clergyman hands the man a menu/advertisement sheet.)

Clergyman: "Give Pious Pizza a call."

(The man looks at the sheet.)

Man: "Two medium Hawaiian Hail Maries for only $13.95?"

Clergyman: "That's not all."

(By this point it has become obvious that this scene, which began with an extremely somber and dark tone, has revealed itself to be an advertisement for a religious-themed pizza chain. The scene shifts to a Pious Pizza chain-restaurant, and a TV announcer has taken over narration duties.)

Announcer: "Kneel at the blessed altar of Dr. Creme's Bubble-Time Soda! One 7-liter bottle comes with 7 1-liter bottles of Dr. Creme's Sacramentalicious Wine!"

Man: "Well what do I do with all the bottles?"

Announcer: "Trade them in for cool prizes! Impress your pastor with the new Pious Pizza Chinese Finger Trap! Only 1600 Bottle Points!"

(Small print on the bottom of the screen reads "1 Bottle = 0.333333333 Bottle Points".)

Announcer: "Thou shalt not forget breadsticks! Enjoy the body of Crust with 12 fancy dipping sauces!"

Man: "I'm a believer!"

Announcer: "Everyone is-- at Pious Pizza! Bow down and chow down!"

(The scene/commercial ends, and the screen briefly fades to black. A new scene begins with a close up shot of a digital alarm clock. It changes from 6:59 to 7:00. The alarm rings, and a hammer smashes it after a couple of rings. The hammer has come from another alarm clock off-screen, which is then revealed. Its alarm then begins to go off, and a fist reaches over and smashes it. A very unkempt and stoner-esque man in his late-twenties wakes up in his bed, and lets out a yawn. He is wearing thin, rectangular-framed glasses which obscure his eyes, and he continues to wear them throughout the entire episode. It cuts to him standing in the shower, zoning out. He is then shown putting on a pizza delivery uniform. He fastens a small name tag to his shirt, which reads 'STEVE'. It then cuts again to this man, Steve, driving down the road under the newly risen sun. He is either deep in thought or is simply zoning out. After awhile, he begins peering through his car window, looking for something. He has arrived at the spot where Pious Pizza is supposed to be, but finds nothing. He continues driving around until he enters a mysterious fog bank. The fog turns to clouds, and the Pious Pizza restaurant finally appears to him through this thicket of clouds after much searching. He parks his car and enters the pizzeria. A large white-haired priest, dressed in bishop robes and a cardinal hat, is behind the counter. He has a full white beard and moustache. He is sporting a small name-pin as well, which reads 'MANAGER'.)

Manager: "Five minutes late on your first day, Steven? Surely this is not an ill omen of things to come!"

Steve: "Sorry, man... I had trouble finding the place. There were, like, clouds everywhere? I don't know."

Manager: "Understandable. These hallowed halls do not reveal themselves to just anybody. You must be chosen."

Steve: "Right..."

Manager: "Well, let's get you started. I have here your first delivery assignment."

Steve: "Already? Who orders a pizza at 7:30 in the morning?"

Manager: "The journey will be quite lengthy. It will be advantageous for you to get an early start.

Steve: "Where is this place?"

Manager: "Questions, questions! So full of questions you are! An eager mind is invaluable in this line of work."

(The manager hands Steve a slip of paper, upon which is scrawled '777 Ambrosia Ave.')

Manager: "Here is the address. You'll find some directions on the back, there. I trust you will find your destination."

Steve: "Yeah..."

(A worker, who is wearing angel wings and a plastic halo, emerges from the back and hands Steve the pizza box, emblazoned with the Pious Pizza logo, as well as a pizza cutter.)

Manager: "The delivery vehicle is out back."

(Steve turns to leave, but the manager interjects once more.)

Manager: "Oh, and Steven... Remember... sometimes, the pizza delivers you. It delivers us all..."

(Steve raises an eyebrow, turns again, and walks out the door. He heads around back to find the delivery car. It is an older sedan with the Pious Pizza logo on the sides. There are some strange modifications to the car, and there are a few tubes and odd-looking parts attached to it. Steve puts the pizza in the passenger seat and starts up the car. It runs a little shakily, but seems fairly decent. He begins to drive out on the road towards a highway exit. He looks at the gas gauge within moments of leaving the pizza place, and notices that there is barely any gas in the car. The gauge is nearly on empty. He is shocked, and groans in disbelief.)

Steve: "Ah... seriously!?"

(He pulls up to a small gas station, where an older gas station attendant approaches him.)

Attendant: "What'll it be, pardner?"

(Steve fishes out a twenty dollar bill from his pocket.)

Steve: "Uh, just twenty."

(The worker opens an odd looking gas cap. After the car is filled, the worker taps on the side of the car.)

Attendant: "Yer all set. Now, you be careful out there, sonny. That's some precious cargo ya got there." (He is eyeing the pizza.) "Some folks out there past the city limits... they've been known to get a little... hungry. An' they got no regard for the rules'a civilized men. Jest... jest be careful, ya hear?"

(Steve is very confused, and stares blankly for a second. He then starts the car.)

Steve: "Whatever you say."

(He drives out onto the desert highway. Crows are watching him from a telephone wire. After some time passes, and a couple different cuts/scenes are shown of Steve driving on the open highway, he speaks.)

Steve: "Jeez, how far away is this place?"

(He studies the slip of paper with directions carefully for a second. A black Rolls Royce has appeared behind him in the background. Without warning, a bullet flies through the middle of the back windshield. The Royce is flying down the highway towards him.)

Steve: "What the HELL?!"

(Steve hits the gas, and the mysterious black car follows in hot pursuit. It rolls up alongside him and begins to attempt to run him off the road. Unable to outmaneuver the enemy, Steve is taken off-road by the other car. The Rolls Royce, pushing the pizza delivery car from the driver's side, fires another pistol round, this time through the driver's side window. Steve ducks and avoids it. The cars are now driving alongside a rock wall, jockeying for position. Steve is pinned against the wall, which his passenger side is scraping as the two cars continue to accelerate. In desperation, he begins hitting a bunch of the unlabeled multicolored buttons on the pizza car's control panel randomly.)

Steve: "Come on, come on, please work..."

(After mashing the buttons, his car suddenly launches off the ground, flips, and rolls over the top of the pursuer's vehicle, and lands while still in motion on the other side of it.)

Steve: "Oh. Wow."

(Steve turns the tables by driving the enemy's car into the rock wall. It scratches the Rolls Royce to the point of near destruction, as they are still driving at a very high speed. Steve leans over and begins opening and closing his passenger door repeatedly into the driver door of the Royce, smashing it as he drives. The other car is totaled after this, and it does not keep driving. The two cars slow to a stop. Steve gets out of the delivery car carefully, and works his way around to the driver's seat of the black Rolls Royce. He opens the heavily damaged driver's door. Gallons upon gallons of water pour from the car, revealing an injured, enormous sentient anchovy, which flops to the ground, twitching and gasping horrifically.)

Anchovy: "You've bested me, delivery boy: fortune is on your side. Keep your flaky cheese-disc. But know this! You will never get it delivered on time! I've done my duty to the fiery underlord. *GASP* *GASP* *GASP*"

(Out of water, the anchovy continues to gasp for air, which is both hilarious and creepy. After a few moments of this, he passes out. Steve, bewildered, re-enters his delivery car, which has a few dents, holes, and scratches from the chase. After sitting for a moment in shocked silence, he sighs.)

Steve: "That talking anchovy was right. There's no way I'll get this damn thing delivered on time."

(A voice echoes down from swirling clouds in the sky.)

Manager: "Fiddlesticks!"

(The manager's image appears in the clouds.)

Manager: "You're doing great, Steven! The pizza remains warm and unharmed. Believe in yourself and all will be well!"

(The wind begins to blow, tearing the cloud-face apart.)

Manager: "Remember! Let the pizza deliver youuuuuu!..."

(The cloud image fades away. The scene immediately cuts to Steve being startled awake, yelling, as if the prior events had been a dream. He is at the wheel of the car, which is still dented and bruised. After a few deep breaths, his concentration returns to the road ahead. He continues driving for a while. The desert scenery around him looks slightly different than it was when he set out, and there are now tumbleweeds, cattle skulls, and cacti around him. Steve looks at the directions again.)

Steve: "Well, this seems right."

(He looks around. There are lots of cacti on the sides of the road. He looks back down at the directions. Upon looking up again, he is startled to find several cacti in the road. He slams on the brakes, and the car comes to a screeching halt. He gets out of the car to investigate.)

Steve: "What the...? What kind of idiot plants cactuses in the road?"

(One of the cacti in the road speaks.)

Cactus A: "That's cacti to you, buddy!"

(The cactus grabs him from behind. Steve struggles to get free, but only succeeds in being pricked by its pointy needles.)

Steve: "Not cool, cactus-bro!"

(While struggling, Steve spies a steam liner ship sailing towards him through the desert sands.)

Steve: "Oh man, these are the most lifelike mirages I've ever seen!"

(The steam liner pulls forward to the position of the captive Steve, the delivery car, and the cacti. The cacti in the street excitedly begin to exclaim 'Cactus Jack!', 'It's Cactus Jack', 'Cactus Jack's here!' and other variations of the words. Steve looks up at the ship. A large pirate cactus, armed with a cutlass, eye-patch, and pirate hat, is about to disembark from the ship, along with a few more cactus goons. As the cacti surrounding him are distracted by the steam liner's arrival, Steve elbows the cactus holding him in the face, which crumples inward, spilling a small amount of water as if it were blood. Steve escapes its hold, and the other cacti chase him to the delivery car. He hops through the window and hits the gas, violently plowing through the remainder of the street-cacti. He speeds in the direction of his destination with the pirate steam liner close behind. Cactus Jack shouts to the driver of the ship.)

Cactus Jack: "Full speed ahead, matey! I want the cheese disc! Our employer has offered us a generous bounty of gold and silver to seize it!"

(The steam liner gains on Steve's car, and Jack's crew lift and launch a large chained anchor. It snags the fleeing delivery car and slows it down considerably, though the car is still able to keep going. The cacti crew climb down the chain one by one, landing on the roof of Steve's vehicle.)

Steve: "Here goes nuthin..."

(He looks more closely at all the rainbow-colored buttons in his car and finds that they are labeled. He spies an AUTO-PILOT button between EJECTOR SEAT and NITRO BOOST. He hits the auto-pilot button. He then climbs out of the still moving car, which is dragging the steam liner with it, armed with the pizza cutter given to him earlier.)

Steve: "Come at me, bros!"

(The cacti once again begin to shout all at once, repeatedly: 'The disc!' 'The disc!' 'Get the disc!' The pizza is still safe within the moving car. Steve dodges the grabs and attacks of the assaulting cacti, slicing and dicing tons of them with the pizza cutter. Water flows from them like blood, and they shrivel and die once severely cut. After about fifteen of them are killed, Cactus Jack slides down the anchor chain and onto the car.)

Cactus Jack: "Just hand me the disc, boy, and you will be spared!"

(Steve, sweating, contemplates it, but after thinking for mere seconds, refuses.)

Steve: "Never. I took a vow... I promised this pizza would get to its destination on time. And I intend to make sure it doesn't fall into evil hands."
Cactus Jack: "An idealist! Hah! I've dealt with your kind before. Cactus Jack's going ta make kebabs outta you!"

(Jack pulls his cutlass from its scabbard, and it gleams in the sun. Steve holds his pizza cutter aloft, and it too gleams in the desert sun. The two battle for awhile. After Jack seems to gain the upper hand, Steve looks back at the pizza in the car. Inspired, he then fights valiantly, forcing Jack back onto the anchor's chain. They both balance on the chain, slightly hunched over and very much winded from battle.)

Cactus Jack: "You've got a lot of fight in you, my boy! You should join my crew! Think of how powerful we would become! You and I, a captain and his first mate, sailing the swirling desert sands, marauding for loot!"

(The camera zooms in tight on Steve's face.)

Steve: "I'm afraid I can't do that, maaaan."

Cactus Jack: "Then it's the end of the line!"

(He swings at Steve's head, but misses, as Steve ducks quickly.)

Steve: "You got that right!"

(Steve slices the chain in two as he hops backwards on to his moving car. It falls out from underneath Jack.)

Cactus Jack: "NOOOOOO!"

(Jack falls down onto the desert sand and is swiftly and brutally crushed by the moving steam liner behind him. It violently pulverizes him before it slowly comes to a halt. Steve climbs back into his car through the window and shuts off the auto-pilot mechanism. Steve drives off further into the desert, the anchor and chain still attached to his car. The screen fades to black. It reopens on Steve's car driving up a rocky, cloudy mountain above the desert. He continues to drive until he at last arrives at 777 Ambrosia Ave., a tiny cottage upon the mountain, his pizza delivery destination.)

Steve: "Well, here it is. That only took me all day."

(He hops out of the car after grabbing the pizza. He thinks for a brief moment and returns to the car, grabbing the pizza cutter for safety. After walking up to the front door of the house, Steve knocks. There is no response. He knocks again with the same result.)

Steve: "Hey. Haaaaay. HAAAAAAY."

(Still nothing. Steve stews in silent rage. He finally kicks down the door and enters the cottage, fuming.)
Steve: "YOU... HAVE... NO... IDEA WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET YOU THIS PIZZA ON TIME. A GIANT FISH WAS DRIVING A CAR, AND THEN CACTI EVERYWHERE, AND THEN, WOOOOSH, I CUT THEM WITH A PIZZA CUTTER, AND THERE WAS A BOAT, AND I KILLED LIKE TWENTY CACTI, YOU--"

(He realizes the house is empty, or at least there are no people there. Suddenly, a voice booms from a large, black, iron oven.)

Oven: "You've played directly into my hands, young pizza messenger."

Steve: "Like, six hours ago I would have thought this was just another LSD flashback, man, but now... What do you mean I've played into your hands?"

Oven: "It's all quite simple, really. You've done what my minions could not-- you brought me the disc, of course."

Steve: "What's with the whole disc thing? It's just a freakin' pizza, broski."

Oven: "SILENCE!"

(Steve is paralyzed with fear, as smoke and flame billow from the oven as he shouts.)

Oven: "Let me tell you a little story. It all began ten long years ago..."

(A flashback begins, and it takes place at Mama's, an old-timey Italian pizzeria.)

Oven: "I was once a foolish young oven, serving my masters proudly."

(An Italian pizza chef puts an uncooked pizza into the narrating oven. Steam rises from it. Another pizza chef enters, and the two begin to talk.)

Vinny: "Hey-a Bellini! What're you makin'?"

Bellini: "Ey, just-a pizza-pie!"

Vinny: "Can I help?"

Bellini: "Of course, Vinny!"

(Bellini begins tossing Vinny up in the air like pizza dough; apparently this is how Vinny is deciding to help Bellini make pizzas. The chefs play about while the pizza burns in the oven, and before long, the entire pizzeria has come ablaze, and is eventually burnt to the ground. The flashback ends with a shot of the oven, badly burnt and rusted, spewing black smoke in the building's wreckage.)

Oven: "They left me for dead in that building! To char and blacken and rust, like a bicycle in the bowels of hell!"

Steve: "That's all well and good, dude, but that doesn't explain--"

Oven: "RAAAAGH!!! NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS." (More flames and smoke spew from his mouth.) "It was then that I became aware of the ignorance and cruelty of the human race. I vowed to rid the world of all pizzas, one by one, until there is no joy left on this wretched sphere you call Earth! And, your pizza is NEXT!"

Steve: "Just because some bitter hunk of scrap metal like you got ditched by a couple of jovial Italians doesn't mean you have to take it out on the entire human race! What about the family of five that wants to watch World's Best Singer Competition over a two-topping meats-galore deep dish? Or the stoner whose only friend is a piping hot perpperoni companion? WHAT ABOUT THEM, BRO?"

Oven: "They shall suffer an existence void of cheese, crust, and assorted meats. As will you!"

(The oven lurches forward, yanking himself free of the wall behind him. He awkwardly lumbers toward Steve and the pizza. Steve thinks quickly, and remembers the words of his manager.)

Manager (in Steve's head): "...let the pizza deliver you..."

(Steve runs at the oven, pizza in hand, and dives over the oven's head.)

Steve: "Order up!"

(He tosses the pizza box through the back window of the cottage, shattering it. It falls a great distance. The oven shouts.)

Oven: "The DISC! It MUST be DESTROYED!"

(The oven hobbles to the window and lunges through it, down off of the rocky cliff upon which the cottage is perched.)

Oven: "CURSE YOU PIZZA BOY!"

(The oven tumbles down the mountain, hitting rocks and being violently broken apart and dented by the mountain face. Steve smiles contently, and walks back to the delivery vehicle. He gets in, and drives into the sunset, satisfied. His voice narrates the ending of the episode as he drives.)

Steve (voiceover): "I saw god in that pizza. In the eyes of the anchovies, in the delicate, brittle flakes of crust. I had come to realize that pizza delivery is more than just a job one does between bong rips. It is a solemn but rewarding duty. In all my six hours of being a pizza delivery boy, I had forgotten all that."

END OF EPISODE