Christmas Special

Santa Claus: Say! Has anyone told you children about the true story of Christmas?

Kid 1: No!

Kid 2: What is it?

Santa: Well, it all started six-thousand long years ago…
There once was a great man named Jesus Christ. He was not black. Also, he had enormous trees for arms. Oh, what a sight to behold! Everyone in the village of Bethlehem used to taunt and tease the poor lad.

Kid 1: He doesn’t sound so great!

Kid 2: Yeah, he sounds like a stupid bitch!

Santa: Now children, the story has only just begun. You see, even though the children constantly ridiculed him, he still harbored a place for them in his heart. He was a loving man who held no grudges.

Kid 1: I heard that if you masturbate, Jesus will cut off both of your hands!

Santa: Don’t be silly! He only cuts off one. Now let me finish the story.
One cold winter day, Jesus Christ was walking in the snow all by himself. The other children had all gone inside to do things far too normal for a freak like him. He sauntered awkwardly through the white powder, giant tree-arms dragging behind him, when suddenly, a giant yeti burst forth from the snow in the middle of the town.
“GRAAAAAAAAH” said the yeti, swinging dual Hatori Hanzo katanas. Shit, those katanas were cool.
“I’M GOING TO DESTROY THIS TOWN BECAUSE I AM A STUPID ISLAMIC SATANIST JEW” continued the sourpuss yeti.
Jesus knew he had to do something, or the innocent people of Bethlehem would be cut to ribbons by the savage beast.
He charged at the yeti, giant ridiculous tree-arms flailing. The yeti was quick, and he sliced off one of Jesus’ tree-arms off. The other tree-arm caught the yeti in the side, because it was a badass haymaker. The yeti exploded into milk and cookies! And oh, how the townspeople loved Jesus, for he was their lord and savior! Also, Luke and Matthew were there. Then they had some cake and made snow angels. Yay!
The townsfolk ate so much cake, that they threw up all over Jesus’ severed tree-arm, which is why we decorate Christmas trees. Then, I burst out of Jesus’ dick. And I’ve been delivering presents to all good girls, boys, and pets ever since that day, December 25th!

Kid 1: So that’s why Christmas is on December 25th!

Santa: Nope! Well, it’s getting late. You kids had better get to bed or you’re not going to get any presents.

The Laments & Tribulations of Dabbling in the Theatrical Arts

The Laments & Tribulations of Dabbling in the Theatrical Arts
By Pauly Shore


I, Paul Montgomery Shore Esq., have arrived at an impasse.

Ever since I was but a wee sprout in Canterbury, I have had a love affair of sorts with the arts of onstage and onscreen performance. As luck would have it, I was able to find fortune with these talents. Perhaps some of you would recognize me as the lovable oaf from The Music Television’s Totally Pauly. Others of you likely know me from my magnum opus, Bio-Dome, which is of course considered to be an integral piece of high-concept motion picture canon. Yes, these accomplishments are certainly nothing to scoff at, nor are my numerous supporting roles in hit films such as Son In Law, In the Army Now, and the box office smash Phantom of the Mall, Eric’s Revenge.

Recently, however, I have been faced with an unnerving dilemma: where does a performance artist of my caliber go from here? What does one who has climbed every mountain and sailed every sea set out to conquer? Space? I think not. My landmark performances have brought tears to the eyes of the greatest of men! They have tamed the wildest and most feral of beasts! They have caused the masses to kneel before their television screens and their ornate stages and weep with exquisite, unbridled joy!
If only these pursuits could satiate someone with the artistic lust that rages like a voracious hydra inside a person such as I. The shackles of monotony are upon me. Alas! There is no such recreation to be found on the dreary plane of existence. O the tedium!

………

Did I mention how my artistic lust is like a hydra?

Love,
Pauly Shore