Cactus Jack
15 years ago
Monday, October 27, 2008
A Day in the Life!
Golly, what a day! Between screaming at the help and frantically cooking spaghetti (Monday is spaghetti night) I almost didn't have time to run over to the tanning parlor for my bi-weekly 2:00! After dropping Jaydn and Savannah off at school, I came home to find Louisa washing the whites with the off-whites. Yes, in the same load! I KNOW, that's exactly what I said! You'd think nine U.S. dollars an hour would be enough to pay for the corrective eye surgery that she so desperately needs. After trying in vain to convey to her the difference between a white tank top and a cream colored blouse, I popped over to 24 hour fitness to jog it out. A few Coldplay songs later, I took the Suburban by the gas station and filled it up. After I picked up the kids (and a couple shopping cart-fulls of miniature water bottles), I was on my way back home when it hit me. I forgot to grab Michael's brandy! You know how he gets if he doesn't have a little hair of the dog. Violent! That's how he gets. I made it back home just in time to start dinner and have it ready by 5:30. Then I watched the View (God bless you, TiVo!), swallowed some vicodin, and went to sleep. Sometimes I think I deserve an award for getting so much done during the day.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tonight on Archaelogy: A Window to the Past
The majestic Tyrannosaurus Rex (Tyrannosaurusus Rexus Carnivorusicus) is known by many names, neither of which are the following:
"Death on two legs". "King of the jungle".
Fierce, alert, and often deadly, these ancient creatures were revered by fellow dinosaurs everywhere for their unrivaled hunting technique (and dainty forearms (something specifically envied by the Triceratops, but that's a story for another time.)) Standing at over 120 feet tall, these colossi are the scientific world's tallest enigmas. Not much is known about them, but most arcaeologists have concluded that they spoke Spanish and used other smaller dinosaurs as currency. They engaged in many primitive behaviors also exhibited by humans; the use of rocks as tools, slavery, and perhaps most importantly, an early form of suntanning. Yes, these marvelous creatures were known for their impeccable complexion. While not found natively in the area now known as "Europe", it is widely accepted that the Tyrannosaurus Rex generally belonged to the Situationist International during the 1960's.
This is all that man, ever ignorant, will ever know about the noble T-Rex (also known as Tyrannosaurus Rex) unless you dial in your pledge right now.
"Death on two legs". "King of the jungle".
Fierce, alert, and often deadly, these ancient creatures were revered by fellow dinosaurs everywhere for their unrivaled hunting technique (and dainty forearms (something specifically envied by the Triceratops, but that's a story for another time.)) Standing at over 120 feet tall, these colossi are the scientific world's tallest enigmas. Not much is known about them, but most arcaeologists have concluded that they spoke Spanish and used other smaller dinosaurs as currency. They engaged in many primitive behaviors also exhibited by humans; the use of rocks as tools, slavery, and perhaps most importantly, an early form of suntanning. Yes, these marvelous creatures were known for their impeccable complexion. While not found natively in the area now known as "Europe", it is widely accepted that the Tyrannosaurus Rex generally belonged to the Situationist International during the 1960's.
This is all that man, ever ignorant, will ever know about the noble T-Rex (also known as Tyrannosaurus Rex) unless you dial in your pledge right now.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Etc.
My religion is music.
It is the gentle plucking of strings, the gentle wind caressing tall, dark trees.
It is the steady beat of hail, the constant rhythm that we are all a part of.
It reveals itself to all who are in tune, to all who will listen.
My religion is not the worship of a false idol, an obvious work of fiction.
It is not the worship of a god in man's own image, the very symbol of our vanity and irrationality.
It is not us and them, it is we.
It is not the harsh and pompous theme of order, it is the alluring and unpredictable melody of chaos.
My religion is the synchronization with and appreciation of nature.
It is showing reverence towards that which creates and sustains us.
It is the worship of a dying woman, bound and ravaged by those who have lost touch with her, their mother, their keeper, their friend.
No matter how weak, no matter how muffled her heartbeat may be.
It can be heard deep beneath layers of static, the white noise of wasted human lives.
Occasionally, it crawls up through the cracks in the concrete.
It is the gentle plucking of strings, the gentle wind caressing tall, dark trees.
It is the steady beat of hail, the constant rhythm that we are all a part of.
It reveals itself to all who are in tune, to all who will listen.
My religion is not the worship of a false idol, an obvious work of fiction.
It is not the worship of a god in man's own image, the very symbol of our vanity and irrationality.
It is not us and them, it is we.
It is not the harsh and pompous theme of order, it is the alluring and unpredictable melody of chaos.
My religion is the synchronization with and appreciation of nature.
It is showing reverence towards that which creates and sustains us.
It is the worship of a dying woman, bound and ravaged by those who have lost touch with her, their mother, their keeper, their friend.
No matter how weak, no matter how muffled her heartbeat may be.
It can be heard deep beneath layers of static, the white noise of wasted human lives.
Occasionally, it crawls up through the cracks in the concrete.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Christmas Special
Santa Claus: Say! Has anyone told you children about the true story of Christmas?
Kid 1: No!
Kid 2: What is it?
Santa: Well, it all started six-thousand long years ago…
There once was a great man named Jesus Christ. He was not black. Also, he had enormous trees for arms. Oh, what a sight to behold! Everyone in the village of Bethlehem used to taunt and tease the poor lad.
Kid 1: He doesn’t sound so great!
Kid 2: Yeah, he sounds like a stupid bitch!
Santa: Now children, the story has only just begun. You see, even though the children constantly ridiculed him, he still harbored a place for them in his heart. He was a loving man who held no grudges.
Kid 1: I heard that if you masturbate, Jesus will cut off both of your hands!
Santa: Don’t be silly! He only cuts off one. Now let me finish the story.
One cold winter day, Jesus Christ was walking in the snow all by himself. The other children had all gone inside to do things far too normal for a freak like him. He sauntered awkwardly through the white powder, giant tree-arms dragging behind him, when suddenly, a giant yeti burst forth from the snow in the middle of the town.
“GRAAAAAAAAH” said the yeti, swinging dual Hatori Hanzo katanas. Shit, those katanas were cool.
“I’M GOING TO DESTROY THIS TOWN BECAUSE I AM A STUPID ISLAMIC SATANIST JEW” continued the sourpuss yeti.
Jesus knew he had to do something, or the innocent people of Bethlehem would be cut to ribbons by the savage beast.
He charged at the yeti, giant ridiculous tree-arms flailing. The yeti was quick, and he sliced off one of Jesus’ tree-arms off. The other tree-arm caught the yeti in the side, because it was a badass haymaker. The yeti exploded into milk and cookies! And oh, how the townspeople loved Jesus, for he was their lord and savior! Also, Luke and Matthew were there. Then they had some cake and made snow angels. Yay!
The townsfolk ate so much cake, that they threw up all over Jesus’ severed tree-arm, which is why we decorate Christmas trees. Then, I burst out of Jesus’ dick. And I’ve been delivering presents to all good girls, boys, and pets ever since that day, December 25th!
Kid 1: So that’s why Christmas is on December 25th!
Santa: Nope! Well, it’s getting late. You kids had better get to bed or you’re not going to get any presents.
Kid 1: No!
Kid 2: What is it?
Santa: Well, it all started six-thousand long years ago…
There once was a great man named Jesus Christ. He was not black. Also, he had enormous trees for arms. Oh, what a sight to behold! Everyone in the village of Bethlehem used to taunt and tease the poor lad.
Kid 1: He doesn’t sound so great!
Kid 2: Yeah, he sounds like a stupid bitch!
Santa: Now children, the story has only just begun. You see, even though the children constantly ridiculed him, he still harbored a place for them in his heart. He was a loving man who held no grudges.
Kid 1: I heard that if you masturbate, Jesus will cut off both of your hands!
Santa: Don’t be silly! He only cuts off one. Now let me finish the story.
One cold winter day, Jesus Christ was walking in the snow all by himself. The other children had all gone inside to do things far too normal for a freak like him. He sauntered awkwardly through the white powder, giant tree-arms dragging behind him, when suddenly, a giant yeti burst forth from the snow in the middle of the town.
“GRAAAAAAAAH” said the yeti, swinging dual Hatori Hanzo katanas. Shit, those katanas were cool.
“I’M GOING TO DESTROY THIS TOWN BECAUSE I AM A STUPID ISLAMIC SATANIST JEW” continued the sourpuss yeti.
Jesus knew he had to do something, or the innocent people of Bethlehem would be cut to ribbons by the savage beast.
He charged at the yeti, giant ridiculous tree-arms flailing. The yeti was quick, and he sliced off one of Jesus’ tree-arms off. The other tree-arm caught the yeti in the side, because it was a badass haymaker. The yeti exploded into milk and cookies! And oh, how the townspeople loved Jesus, for he was their lord and savior! Also, Luke and Matthew were there. Then they had some cake and made snow angels. Yay!
The townsfolk ate so much cake, that they threw up all over Jesus’ severed tree-arm, which is why we decorate Christmas trees. Then, I burst out of Jesus’ dick. And I’ve been delivering presents to all good girls, boys, and pets ever since that day, December 25th!
Kid 1: So that’s why Christmas is on December 25th!
Santa: Nope! Well, it’s getting late. You kids had better get to bed or you’re not going to get any presents.
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Laments & Tribulations of Dabbling in the Theatrical Arts
The Laments & Tribulations of Dabbling in the Theatrical Arts
By Pauly Shore
I, Paul Montgomery Shore Esq., have arrived at an impasse.
Ever since I was but a wee sprout in Canterbury, I have had a love affair of sorts with the arts of onstage and onscreen performance. As luck would have it, I was able to find fortune with these talents. Perhaps some of you would recognize me as the lovable oaf from The Music Television’s Totally Pauly. Others of you likely know me from my magnum opus, Bio-Dome, which is of course considered to be an integral piece of high-concept motion picture canon. Yes, these accomplishments are certainly nothing to scoff at, nor are my numerous supporting roles in hit films such as Son In Law, In the Army Now, and the box office smash Phantom of the Mall, Eric’s Revenge.
Recently, however, I have been faced with an unnerving dilemma: where does a performance artist of my caliber go from here? What does one who has climbed every mountain and sailed every sea set out to conquer? Space? I think not. My landmark performances have brought tears to the eyes of the greatest of men! They have tamed the wildest and most feral of beasts! They have caused the masses to kneel before their television screens and their ornate stages and weep with exquisite, unbridled joy!
If only these pursuits could satiate someone with the artistic lust that rages like a voracious hydra inside a person such as I. The shackles of monotony are upon me. Alas! There is no such recreation to be found on the dreary plane of existence. O the tedium!
………
Did I mention how my artistic lust is like a hydra?
Love,
Pauly Shore
By Pauly Shore
I, Paul Montgomery Shore Esq., have arrived at an impasse.
Ever since I was but a wee sprout in Canterbury, I have had a love affair of sorts with the arts of onstage and onscreen performance. As luck would have it, I was able to find fortune with these talents. Perhaps some of you would recognize me as the lovable oaf from The Music Television’s Totally Pauly. Others of you likely know me from my magnum opus, Bio-Dome, which is of course considered to be an integral piece of high-concept motion picture canon. Yes, these accomplishments are certainly nothing to scoff at, nor are my numerous supporting roles in hit films such as Son In Law, In the Army Now, and the box office smash Phantom of the Mall, Eric’s Revenge.
Recently, however, I have been faced with an unnerving dilemma: where does a performance artist of my caliber go from here? What does one who has climbed every mountain and sailed every sea set out to conquer? Space? I think not. My landmark performances have brought tears to the eyes of the greatest of men! They have tamed the wildest and most feral of beasts! They have caused the masses to kneel before their television screens and their ornate stages and weep with exquisite, unbridled joy!
If only these pursuits could satiate someone with the artistic lust that rages like a voracious hydra inside a person such as I. The shackles of monotony are upon me. Alas! There is no such recreation to be found on the dreary plane of existence. O the tedium!
………
Did I mention how my artistic lust is like a hydra?
Love,
Pauly Shore
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